Does The Glass Slipper Fit: Or is the Coach Just Another Pumpkin

As you know, my dear people, the last year for me has been an annus horribilus. The Royal House of Clinton has been tormented by questions about our handling of finances and subjected to tiresome questions about the tragic events in Benghazi - in the furthest regions of our empire.  And, sadly, also questions about my Royal e-mails.  

Nevertheless, I will not be daunted in my desire and commitment to serve you, the people.  For the next seventeen months I will be traveling among you as one of you, to listen to your deepest longings and needs. I will be with you in your Wal-Marts and beside you in your Burger Kings.  I will drive with you down the busy interstate highways of our land, sharing your poverty and needs.  

How well I remember the days when the Duke of Arkansas and I were impoverished.  After we were expelled from our Washington Palace we hardly had two mansions to rub together.  We were so poor that we removed thousands of dollars of china, flatware, carpets and gifts from the Washington Palace just to survive. Shockingly, unscrupulous and ungrateful officials later forced us to return many of these treasures.  Now, happily, benefactors from around our empire have given me just enough for us to scrape by.  

During these difficult times, we had to cut back. When our daughter was married, we only had three million dollars to spend on her wedding. And, I remember our hopes, as she moved into her $10 million Manhattan apartment, that one day she would be able to move on from that humble abode to something more fitting.  After working for MSNBC for a starting salary of a mere $600,000 per year, what else could she do? So I now pay her $3,000,000 a year to run the 'Foundation'.  

So, as I travel across our kingdom to meet you all, I will be listening and sharing with you.  Then, when the time for the royal election (Coronation) comes, I know I can count on you to crown me as your rightful monarch, with my assurance that I will continue King Obama’s policies, and we can all live happily ever after.  

Your Queen-in-Waiting,
Hilarity Rodham Clinton 

Thanks to GhoistMarine from South Philly